The Troubles with Me

For a long time, I always thought the problem was situational. I always felt I could blame something else, or someone else. I don't have the money right now, I need to pay this bill or that bill; I don't have the right equipment, if only I had this or that; I don't have the right space, I need a better studio, a better house; I don't have the right people around me, if only they were different.

Now, if I am truly honest with myself, I have completely run out of excuses. I have a great studio space, in a nice house, with really good equipment. And although I am by no means financially secure, I do have a small financial cushion that gives me the time and freedom to be able to devote myself to my art and craft without stressing about having bills to pay - for the next few months at least. My situation is by no means perfect, I doubt it ever could be, that's just life, but I have everything I need to be able to do what I've always wanted to do.

So why am I still struggling. Why do I keep lying on my sofa staring into a huge abyss? Days passing into weeks, into months, and still no work done? If the problem can no longer be blamed on something situational, then the problem is clear. The problem is me!

It was this realisation that dawned on me as I spent another day incapacitated by some inexplicable force, unable to rise from my prone position. My excuses had become desperate now, and less and less believable. But I think for the first time, I could see the ghostly silhouette of the creature that had taken over my mind and body.  

With the power of it's voice alone it had destroyed me. A tiny voice that had starting by chipping away little by little at my confidence, my self-belief, had now completely devastated me, shattered me to million tiny little pieces. I am now a fragmented shadow of the person I once was. I can see that now.

But the irony is that having seen that truth and accepted it. I now have the strength to start to put those pieces back together. I have the understanding that it will take time and patience, and understand that whoever I become will not be the same person I was before.

And that somehow gives me hope. Hope that somehow I can put myself back together better than before. That somewhere in those millions of tiny little pieces lies my true authentic self, waiting to be re-discovered.

#Self-Belief #Disconnection #LackOfFocus #ImposterSyndrome #Depression #Anxiety